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another CGI animated cartoon? As if all movie genres aren’t saturated with CGI enough. I saw the non cartoon movie back in 1990 or 1991 so why do i need to watch a kiddie CGI cartoon with whiny kids in the theatre who are always talking or screaming or kids who are always flashing their cell phone lights every 2 minutes like it’s some kind of rave in the movie theatre. For you kids who has to flash your cell phone lights ever minute or so, it’s very annoying to the people who are sitting behind you in a stadium seating.
Rating: 1 / 5

As a child my number one passion in all the world was pro wrestling, but coming in a close second were these stupid ninja turtles. Don’t ask me why, and no I don’t honestly think that they are somehow better than Transformers or He-Man or whatever your obsession was. So now I am the target demographic for this movie, a man child who never grew up and thus has a nostalgia for all things green plus excess time and money. The problem is that the film is kind of a stinker and even I can’t ignore that. Let’s start off with the animation which was quite loudly outsourced overseas and was thus produced as a deeply discounted rate. The end result is a second rate job, but considering the sweet deal they got I’m sure the Weinstein’s aren’t shedding any tears over the quality of the look. What they should be crying over, however, is the dialogue for this movie which I would classify as abysmal. And seriously, I’m not looking for scholarly work here, just a little bit more snap than calling a hairy bad guy Fuzzy Wuzzy. Especially when we consider just how jaded these kids are nowadays, there is no way these jokes worked on anybody other than parents trying to pretend that they are no longer jaded.

What the film does basically is tell a dull, generic story that is just a bloated TV episode. This one involves a tiff between Leonardo and Raphael over a difference in personality. We pick things up as the Turtles are getting over their glory days and moving on to the next stage of their life. But Raphael is unwilling to accept this and unable to get over his hero urges, so at night he moonlights as Batman. Leonardo, taking his talking points from Splinter, takes offense and tries to reel in the rebel. To me vigilantism is a big ole waste of energy but not necessarily inferior to the stoic restraint that Leonardo is trying to sell. But alas this is a kids movie and so there must be a lesson to be learned and here it is the importance of top down mentality as the underlings (read: slackers and free thinkers) must take their orders from Splinter (since we learned in “Karate Kid” that an Asian accent equals wisdom above all) and his assistant manager Leonardo. The rest is just a blast of white noise. The characters crack wise (or kind of try to) and then fight some bad guys. Evil is overcome and consequences are non-existent.

I have no animosity towards this movie, only to say that had I spent $11 on it at a Manhattan theatre I would’ve viewed that as a poor investment. So instead I paid $0.99 thanks to Amazon Unbox and for a little while forgot about all the debilitating relationship woes I am going through. There is really nothing here to excite the former fans of the show. Other than bringing back the same characters the mythology is not tapped into or advanced… at times it is even desecrated… like do you remember the episode where April is trained as a samurai? Plus the monsters were corny and interchangeable, or straight out of a Saturday morning cartoon. Most of them simply looked like escapees from early Crash Bandicoot. The voice acting is fine but nothing anybody will ever be proud of. And when the movie ended I simply shrugged my shoulders. . .and wondered if maybe they’d make another one of these movies, because for a dollar I’d totally watch it. **1/2

Rating: 2 / 5

I willingly went to go see this new version of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.” I stood in line. I paid for my ticket. I entered the theater. I stayed for the entire show. Clearly, I had been sucked in by the impressive ad campaign, a collection of high-octane television spots, creative posters, and well edited trailers. I have no idea why I allowed myself to experience this film; I already experienced it seventeen years ago, when the live action version was first released. Yes, I was a fan. But I was also a kid–no more than seven–and as we all know, tastes change as one grows. This new film represents an idea that has already gotten old, and it offers nothing original in terms of characterization, plot, and setting. In short, there was absolutely no reason for “TMNT” to be made.

This computer-generated cartoon is basically a ninety-minute sequence of nonstop energy, a wall-to-wall montage of chase scenes and physical altercations. Nothing much holds it all together, save for one of the flimsiest stories ever conjured up for an animated film. It begins with the description of a ruthless Central American warrior who lived more than 3,000 years ago. Apparently, he had discovered an inter-dimensional portal, one that would give him immortality if opened during an alignment of certain stars. He does so, only to learn of the price he has to pay: not only was every one of his soldiers turned to stone, but thirteen monsters were unleashed, as well. He was doomed to walk the earth for all eternity, unable to die no matter what.

According to the opening narrator (Laurence Fishburne), this 3,000-year-old myth is a new evil to be fought by our sewer-dwelling, pizza-loving heroes in half shells. They have since stopped fighting crime on the streets of New York City; Master Splinter (Mako) has sent the eldest brother, Leonardo (James Arnold Taylor), on a Central American retreat in order to hone his leadership skills. In the meantime, the remaining three Turtles have turned to other lines of work. Michelangelo (Mikey Kelley) goes to birthday parties as a costumed character, dressed as … well, a turtle (complete with a false head). Donatello (Mitchell Whitfield) is a Technical Support phone operator for a computer company. Rafael (Nolan North) has failed to get a real job; by night, unbeknownst to everyone else, he’s a vigilante crime fighter known only as Nightwatcher.

While visiting Central America on assignment, news reporter April O’Neil (Sarah Michelle Gellar) reunites with Leonardo and informs him that he needs to return to New York so that he and the other Turtles can be one happy family again. Sound advice from a news reporter who would actually participate in a martial arts battle. It was obvious that this character’s inclusion was merely for the sake of appeasing diehard “TMNT” fans. Her role in this film is so minimal that it’s practically a cameo. She serves mostly as a second half to her boyfriend, the clumsy wannabe crime fighter Casey Jones (Chris Evans).

O’Neil delivers a package to powerful business tycoon Max Winters (Patrick Stewart), one that contains a life-sized warrior statue made entirely of stone. It’s quickly established that Winters has ulterior motives for his statue collection, all of which are actually the hardened remains of the cursed Central American warriors. He then teams up with the few remaining members of The Foot, who seem to have lost their way since Master Shredder was defeated. Winters wants them to track down and capture the thirteen monsters that were released 3,000 years ago. This will actually be quite easy, as they’ve all somehow managed to end up in New York City. But why should that matter? A number of cool looking creatures are given screen time, which is a plus for anyone who cares little for plot and characterization.

Upon Leonardo’s return, tension between him and Rafael grows deeper: Leonardo feels that it’s his responsibility to lead his brothers; Rafael is an impatient hothead who wants to give his own form of justice. Master Splinter seems to be the only one who knows how to patch things up, which is amazing considering how badly he’s portrayed in this film. Listening to him speak was grating due to his consistently slurred voice; he sounded more like a drunkard than a wise Japanese rat. He does occasionally give a few words of wisdom. He also enjoys watching soap operas, as noted when he announces that he’s off to watch his stories.

I could go on describing the plot, why should I bother? It’s weak in every way, from the story to the character development to the special effects, all of which amount to nothing more than a cheaply produced video game. It isn’t helped by truly awful dialogue; every line was either a pun or a joke, which might have worked had they not been spoken during some very inappropriate scenes (such as when everyone is engaged in hand-to-hand combat). Who would actually be entertained by such mindlessness? I should think that even fans of the “TMNT” franchise would be sorely disappointed. And rightfully so: this latest film reduces every character to an insignificant action drone, someone that will fight at the drop of a hat. There’s no depth. There’s no meaning. It’s all eye candy.

Can I get a “Cowabunga, Dude”?
Rating: 2 / 5